I just don't know what to do with myself...

It's 4:11 am and I'm awake. I'm cold, I can't stop yawning and I have a wicked stomach ache. Unfortunately, I didn't sleep very well last night. In part because of my stomach and in part because I can't stop thinking about work. I don't want to be there, but I can't stop thinking about it and worrying that I missed something. That I'm behind on a due date. That a coworker had to pick up my slack. My rational side tries to remind me that I can't do anything about it immediately, everything will be taken care of in the morning, I need to sleep now, I'm not saving lives, etc. But I still can't turn the worrying off. I know part of the worry really is work related, but at least 75% of it is actually personal.

Deep down inside the scary questions keep popping up. What the heck do I want to do with the rest of my life? Why am I such a bad person? Why am I so hard on myself? Why the heck can't I worry about this during daylight hours so I can get some sleep??

And the super scary one-is it even possible to build a life around doing something I actually enjoy as my job?

In my darkest moments, the only answer I see is no. I see no other options. And I'm 31.

What the heck is wrong with me? I have no idea. But I'm finding that once I see it all written down in black and white, it seems so silly. I can do whatever I want to. As long as I try.

Rome wasn't built in a day. Progress is made in a multitude of small steps. It took me a year in a half to pay off my credit card bills. Why would my dream career happen overnight?

I feel better now. I don't know all the answers, but at least I can go back to bed. Small steps taken every day will help my life change for the better. Step one today was proving how silly I am at 4:11 in the morning. Step one is going back to bed and getting some rest for tomorrow.